This will be long so grab some coffee.…..What I share is personal but I
hope to help someone.
A couple of days ago I had a very weak moment an “emotional melt
down” you can say. I was in much fear and doubt and used alcohol to cope. I
drank 2 glasses of wine and a beer and would have drank more if not for the
Holy Spirit. I felt so horrible after. I knew I was doing wrong and just
pressed on in it because I was believing so many lies. I was under a spiritual
attack this is for sure.
After I left my friend’s house, I felt horrible
because some of my testimony is that I use to drink heavily when life thru me
curve balls and Christ helped me see the lies in all that years ago. I had no
desire to drink but I did it because I was sad and did not even turn to Jesus.
Years ago I would find the nearest corner store and fill
the bag up with my beverage of choice and just get drunk. When I would wake the
next day I would always feel bad. That little buzz was not even worth it
because I felt so ugly about myself each and every time. Alcohol and drugs are
meant to strip you of your hope if you do not already know that. They come
promising a fun time and then leave you completely empty. I remember I would
try and “get drunk” when my kids were not around or when I knew my husband was
home so I could be irresponsible for a little. I would blast my “mariachi
music” and feel so sorry for myself. In Mexican culture, this is the norm: to drink
and have a big BBQ on Friday and Saturday and have a good ol time “partying” and
forget about your problems. Was
not until I was older and found Christ again that I understood that I was
living in complete lies. That whole way of living would have destroyed me if
not for Jesus.
Some, would say “well, Monique you are being too hard on
yourself” “what is wrong with what you did, your human” or the kicker is “Jesus,
drank remember? surely you can”. For me, this type of behavior is not
acceptable. Just because I am given grace does not mean I get to live a sloppy
life. Drinking to drown my sorrows is unhealthy, point blank. Now, to occasionally
have a glass of wine here and there is okay in my book BUT to drink with the
sole intention of getting “drunk” for me, is a sin. Although the bible does not
say drinking is a sin, the bible does say in Ephesians 5:18 why we should not do
it: “do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled
with the Spirit”. What is debauchery anyhow? According to Webster, this means indulgence
in sensual pleasures, scandalous activities involving sex, alcohol and drugs. Hmmm.
All that just is a bad mix that I do not care to put myself in. It is a life
that screams more of me and less of Jesus. Proverbs 23:32 also says “in the end
it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper” and it truly does. How do I
move on when I do something bad? I give it to Jesus. I repent and truly seek
his face with all my heart. Until I am really sorry about my behavior Jesus
cannot do anything with my mess.
Why do I share all this with you? I mean because it is really
putting my business out there. I share because someone somewhere has exchanged
their identity in Christ for indulgence of this world. They have forgotten about
the hope Jesus provides for a little and has focused on what this world can
provide. I raise my hand in complete guilt. That is what I did. Someone
somewhere is wrestling with this bad and I want to share what the Lord put on
my heart to help encourage your spirit. You are NOT alone and NO MATTER what we face drinking will
not help. Jesus can truly exchange your worries, doubts and fear with his
spirit instead IF we release our grips on our thoughts and circumstances. See?
I did not want to release my grips I wanted to sulk and feel sorry for myself. I
did not even bother to capture each thought down. I wanted to cope in an unhealthy
way so Jesus let me be. Jesus cannot dwell in that type of environment. I share
my sin with you all to say EVEN in my mess that I created Jesus loves me. He will always be there to lift me out of any pit. He
saves the lost that is what he specializes in but I cannot continue in my sin. Asking God to show me why I did this is what is my heart's prayer.
If acquiring minds what to know, I drank that day because I
was sad my husband was gone in travel and I started doubting him and my
marriage and I started listening to the enemy. For some crazy reason I thought
just the craziest things about my husband and started to call them truth. I
started going backwards instead of forward. I was visiting my past is what I
was doing. I started to feel lonely and to top it off I did not spend time with
the Lord for 2 days, which is unusual for me. I have mentioned many times that when
I try and do this life alone I fall flat on my face.
What all this taught me was that I cannot function without
Jesus. I need him every second of my day. I need him in good and bad and when I
leave him out of my life I can sometimes do very stupid things. Did I lose my
salvation? NO. Will I fall back into past destructive behavior again? NO! I had
an isolated moment that lasted all of 4 hours and I can now take this mistake and
learn from it. I will tell you that when I got home that night, I asked for
forgiveness. I sat and prayed with my Father and was so ashamed. He sat with me
in complete quiet that next day and I heard him say “You are still mine in
whatever mess you create, I am your Father and no earthly thing can ever change
that. Nothing or no one can separate us, now get up and fight”.
Isn’t like our
Jesus, to just not care about what we did or whatever mess we created? He wants
our hearts and when we give him our mess he will turn it all around. We are to
be filled with his spirit not this world’s. Clearly, when we try and fill
ourselves with poison our body rejects it, we are his children and will always
be protected. NO devil in hell can take us from our Father. The devil is still
a liar and God still sits on his throne.
If this is your struggle, I pray for you. Inbox me privately
and we can pray together. Please know you are not alone. Jesus loves you and
strongholds can be broken.
In Christ,
Monique Smith
Prayer Starter:
Lord Father God, I am so sorry for trying to live this life
my way and leaving you on the back burner. All that this life has for me will
destroy me if I leave you out of it. Holy Spirit, convict my heart when I am
not aligned with your Holy instruction. Lord, I desire to live a life that
pleases you, not me. Work with me in this area, Father God. Thank you for your
love and your everlasting grace. Thank you for saving me. Help this unhealthy
habit flee in the name of Jesus. May I be filled with all that you are and less
of who I am in the flesh. Amen
